Self-sufficiency? Yeah, right.

It's been over a year since I've run competitively. And it's been over a year since I have even had a consistent running/workout routine. I used to be so self-disciplined, or so I thought. Maybe I don't give my coaches and teammates enough credit. Sure, it was my choice to stay on the team and therefore get up at the crack of dawn for a workout and then again later in the day. But now that I have no team or coach to report to, I find it that much harder to get up early, to start a daily routine (for more than one week at a time), and to give a 100% effort when I do hit the pavement.

I'm not stupid: I knew this would be the case, as it is for most athletes when they leave the team setting. But it has come to my attention just how important a team can be in the development of an athlete. First of all, the commitment to my fellow runners held me in place. Without knowing that my teammates were nearby, struggling as I was, I wouldn't have lasted long after junior high. And since we were all hurting in our own ways, we could count on each other for encouragement and understanding.

Second of all, until last September, I've always had a coach to push me toward success. Despite minor conflicts and disagreements (and sometimes rude thoughts--in both directions, I'm sure), I owe any success in my past to the determination of my coaches. After all, they were the ones who decided on my workouts, adjusted them as they saw fit, and, for the most part, encouraged me when I sucked.

There are so many things I miss about running for a team: the conversations, motivation, encouragement, the meets, the crowds, bus/van rides, the competition, comradery, ice baths. But mostly--and this is the competitor and pride in me--I miss being a strong runner. I was never the best, but at least I could run three miles in under 23 minutes. At least I could run more than five miles at a time without taking a break.

Boo-hoo, right? I know. I'm not asking for sympathy, but if you're reading this, keep in mind that self-motivation only lasts for so long. Mine died out long before I realized it. As much as we may hate to admit it, we all need someone to cheer for us, to push us, even to criticize us every once in a while--especially for the things we care about most.

Peace out